Swimming In My Head…

diving in the deep end…

Vernon, Alabama – It’s where I want to summer

On occasion, we’re lucky enough to see a piece of literary mastery that truly dazzles us with the amazing.  I saw that amazing piece in the New York Times on November 10th in an article entitled “For South, a Waning Hold on National Politics”.

The author, Fred Fessenden wrote a great article.  The dazzling parts were the comments that some of the residents of this tiny rouge-collar hamlet protruding from the globe in awkwardly backward northwestern Alakuntry – I mean bama.

Let’s start with Gail McDaniel – she commented:

“I am concerned.  The abortion thing bothers me.  Same-sex marriage.  I think there are going to be outbreaks from blacks.  From where I’m from, this is going to give them the right to be more aggressive.”

Oh dear, dear Gail, you’re concerned?  I can’t imagine that in your thriving metropolis of 2,390 you could possibly be concerned or scared of abortion and same-sex marriage.  Your 7 places of worship must be doing a fine job of indoctrinating your residents on the pitfalls and wrongness of sex outside of wedlock and homosexuality.  And since you’re probably of the opinion that homosexuality is a choice and just as simple as conversion, you may want to hold one extra riddance ceremony after the new guy is sworn in. That should stamp out the ‘mo’ problem in Vernon.

You can rest assured that the black man that will soon be running the country will probably have infesting Vernon, AL with the things that concern you, as his top priority – right before fixing our national economy that’s affecting the globe (not the one on your fireplace), working on the housing crisis, and tending to this war in Iraq that was initiated by our very white ‘W’.  Don’t quote me on this, but I’ll bet Vernon Alabama is as high on his radar as Afghanistan (no, that’s not the thing you’re crocheting for Christmas).

Oh, and don’t let me forget…if the abortion and ‘mo’ thing concerns you because you’ve seen it on tv, well don’t you worry, after February of next year you won’t have to watch anymore.  You can remove those cute little metal wands resting on top of your box and watch the snow because the rest of us are going digital.

But Gail, what I’ve really been waiting to say is that I’m one of those “blacks” that is probable to be on your so-called aggressive watch list.  And I’m completely offended, but let me tell you why.

I thought it appropriate to research Vernon before I made any snap judgments – you know, like you did.  And when I compared my lot in life to that of a Vernon resident, I totally get why I have a right to be aggressive with a black President.  Let’s see:

Your “median family income is $24,381.00”.

Impressive.  But I should warn you that one of the cars in my 2-car garage cost me about $13,000 more than that and the other one cost about $20,000 more.  Hold on to your knickers…I’m probably going to get aggressive.

Your “property taxes on a $100,000 home with a homestead exemption are $259.00”.

My property taxes on one of my homes is $5,000 with a homestead exemption.  Hold your breath…I’m gettin’ angry.

“Approximate cost of 1,800 sf home with 2-car garage – 5 to 10 yrs old: $65,000 to $75,000”.

My 3,000 sf home with 2-car garage – 5 yrs old: $400,000+.  Ouch…startin’ to fume.

“Community recreation programs: Roller skating, Public Swimming Pool, City Park, Backstreet Opry, Fishing, Hunting, Walking Trails.”

Oh my dear lord, my ability to in-line skate around my gated community, or swim in my in-ground pool (that’s in my back yard), or chill in my hot tub is trumped by all of the goings-on in your community.  That’s it – I’m overheated.

Gail, to sum it all up, it’s really sad that you believe that suddenly blacks will now have the right to be more aggressive and possibly upstage your long-running right to be stupid.  If you have a cell phone…my bad, this is Vernon we’re talking about – take your home phone and dial this number: 1-800-BUY-ACLU.

Dare I forget to mention Mr. Don Dollar, the Administrative Assistant for Vernon City Hall who said:

“This is a community that’s supposed to be filled with a bunch of Christian folks.  If they’re not disappointed, they should be at the alter.”

Donny, poor, pathetic Donny, all I can say is: be a good little Administrative Assistant and get me some coffee while I make grown people decisions about running a company.  And get some concealer from Gail – your crocodile tears are making you look like Jonah while he was digesting in Orca.

November 11, 2008 Posted by | Really? | , , , , , | 26 Comments