Swimming In My Head…

diving in the deep end…

Stupid ‘Phishing’ Emails

I haven’t been around for the last 2 weeks or so due to the holidays, but I’m back, I’m happy, and I’ve got my sense of humor all in the hopes that 2009 will certainly be better than ’08.

I got another one of those almost weekly emails at my business email address that just makes me wonder how cyber-criminals even get any footing.  The email read as follows (misspellings and grammatical errors et al):

Subject:  “Reply Asap.”
Sender:  Bar. Michael Reed


Thanks for your attention, I have been waiting to receive an update from you after I receive your name as the Legal beneficiary to my client William, I want you to be aware that I have the documents to claim the fund deposited by him before is untimely death.  I will be pleased to work with you in getting fund transferred to you as the next of kin to the account of my late client valued at 8.5 million British Pounds Sterling only, to be certain that you are capable, I will need the information stated below to apply for the release of the fund to you by the bank,

Full Name:
Country of Origin:

As I mentioned to you in my first email, I am only a lawyer to the late William and don’t work in the bank.  For us to be successful on this claim to be truthful and maintain adequate confidentiality at all time.  I will await your reply as soon as possible,
Best regards,
Bar. Michael Reed”

If only I believed that there was a real person on the other end of this email that is anxiously rubbing their hands in anticipation of my naivety to respond with such information.  I think this is how I would reply:

Dearest Bar. Michael Reed,

I received your urgent notification of the untimely demise of my unknown relative William.  Were you able to attend the funeral?  If so, how did he look?  Because I don’t have a clue.

I noticed that your email is a gmail account and I thought that since you’re an attorney who had my wealthy unknown relative as a client, you may want to take $10 of your cut and invest in a URL.  GoDaddy has some great rates and it can only further improve your professional image and brand.

I’m sorry that you’ve been waiting to confirm my name.  I just thought you might’ve known it since you were able to email me.  And while we’re speaking candidly, you used the word “fund”.  Does that mean that I’m only set to receive 1 British Pound Sterling only, or is your “s” key broken?  The word is “funds”, please use it appropriately or else I might think you’re trying to deceive me.  Incidentally, what are “British Pound Sterlings only”?

I really appreciate your concern for whether I’m capable of receiving 8.5 million ‘British Pound Sterling only’.  I don’t know whether you’ve read the newspaper, watched the news or checked the internet lately, but we’re in the midst of a tiny economic meltdown here, so I just wanted you to know that I am indeed capable of receiving 8.5 million anything.  I can use it to pay off 1 or 2 of my credit cards.

Per your request, I’ve provided the information that the bank needs for release of my ‘fund’.  Just to make sure that you have everything you need to begin systematically stealing my identity, I’m also going to email you the pins to all of my financial web portals, the keys to my back door and my social security number.

Name: Gofa Cureself
Address: 12345 Beachfront Swampland
Age: 29 (for the 7th year in a row)
Tel: (123) 456-7890 (it’s my Monte Carlo number)
Sex: As often as I can, but that’s kind of personal and Capital One doesn’t ask that
Occupation: Don’t need one because I’ve got next of unknown kin who routinely die (according to several other prior ‘phishing’ emails) and leave me large sums of money on the regular.
Country of origin: Well I guess France since “origin” is probably derived from the French word originalite.  Why are you asking me.  Try ask.com.
Nationality: ‘A-mur-i-can’ (I figure I better spell it in a way you can sound out since using the word “funds” seems particularly challenging for you)

I’m sorry to hear that you’re “only a lawyer to William” and that you don’t work for the bank.  It appears that you haven’t quite been able to reckon with his untimely demise when you speak of him in the present.  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you ‘were only a lawyer to William’.

Tell you what…I’ve got people, so why don’t you have your bank people call my bank people and we’ll get this party started.  I’m so glad that you are an ethical individual who believes in truthfulness and confidentiality because you won’t mind if I ask you a few questions about yourself so I can comfortably refer your services to my other family members who will no doubt be affected by future untimely deaths of unknown relatives that deposit ‘fund’ in banks with no name and currency from other countries not normally associated with our genealogy.

You know what?  Nevermind…Judge Judy is on and as you know being an attorney and all, she is riveting television.  So, my questions can wait but I’ll be waiting by my laptop for your next email to tell me that the check is in the mail.

Thanks for everything now,

Gofa Cureself


January 7, 2009 - Posted by | Funny, Life In General, Really? | , , ,


  1. Gofa Cureself,

    That was so well stated, that there is very little that I could possibly add! Besides, I’m watching Ms. Judy right now too, and aside from everything else, she’s one hot chick! It’s like soft porn! LOL

    Comment by The Other One | January 7, 2009

  2. OH how I MISSED you! That was hilarious cause I get these ALL THE TIME! 🙂
    Happy New Year!

    Comment by goodbadandugly2 | January 7, 2009

  3. The term “pound sterling” is used in formal contexts and to distinguish the United Kingdom currency from other currencies with the same name according to Wikipedia… amazing they know to use that but type “receive instead of received, is instead of his and fund instead of funds” and trust an email over certified mailing the documents as “adequate confidentiality”. What’s the world coming to 😉 ?

    The next time I need to send a smart a** reply to someone can I ask you to write it? You always bring a smile to my face!

    Comment by Al | January 7, 2009

  4. that’s why i love my spam filter ❤ that kind of crap used to filter into my email and it drove me nuts.

    Comment by lucyvillemayor | January 12, 2009

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